March 12, 2009
Back in September 2008, I mentioned that we were spawning a new process. Well, that process arrived today, and its id is Henry Burton Atwood.
We're starting him off right with a little light reading.
You may recognize this book from Apple's Mac vs PC ad series, specifically, the "Gift Exchange" Mac vs PC ad.
Because, truly, what better gift is there for a newborn than the C++ GUI Programming Guide? Watch the ad to see what I mean. "I've been eyeing that myself."
All credit for creation of this new process of course goes to my wife Betsy who did the real work. I now truly understand the meaning of the classic Bill Cosby skit on childbirth.
Helping my wife walk the pain scale, going from pain level 7/10, 8/10 and then seeing the maw of darkness that lies at pain scale 10/10 and beyond, was quite an experience. How much pain? Well, imagine the worst pain you've ever experienced. Now imagine taking that pain, packing it in to a rickety Oldsmobile, setting it on fire, then driving it off the edge of a cliff at maximum speed. Into a valley filled with white-hot molten lava.
It's a little bit worse than that.
You may have heard that childbirth is a mystical, spiritual process. The thing that ties every human being together as one long continuous string of life, extending all the way back to the beginning of time. To a point, it is. As my friend Phil said, it's all ponies and butterflies. Until the ponies and butterflies start spontaneously screaming. But, it was all worth it to get Henry, who is genetically engineered to be awesome. Being a geek from birth, Henry has his own Twitter account, which was opened with exactly the first message you'd expect:
Hello World. Literally.
If you've been reading my blog for a while, I'm sure you know I will approach our new parenting adventure the same way I do programming -- with absolutely no freaking idea what I'm doing. And often hilarious results.
Here's to you, little guy, and every other little programmer being born around the world.
Posted by Jeff Atwood
Congratulations! And a big well done to the mother :-)
I'm bored waiting for family to show up (flight was delayed), so I made a nerdy character class. Would you believe I've never actually played DD except for a couple Bioware games?
Henry Burton Atwood
Level 0 Human Offspring
WIS: 18 (wisdom of children)
INT: 1 (unable to talk implies less-than-3)
CHA: 20 when content, -1 for every consecutive minute that it is not entirely satisfied with life. Returns to 20 the instant it becomes contented again.
Banshee's wail (at will until level 3, 2/day until level 10)
Charm person (at will until level 10)
Cloudkill (50 / day until level 5)
Geas (only targetable on mother, father)
Offspring gains one level per year regardless of XP, until level 18.
Offspring will gain one point of STR, CON, DEX, and INT at a rate of 1 point per level for 3 + 2d6 levels.
At level 3, WIS will be reduced to 4 and increase at a rate of 1 point per level for 2d6 levels.
After 4 levels, Offspring will lose CHA at the rate of 1 point per level for 6 + 2d6 levels, then regain charisma for 1d6 levels. Furthermore, beginning at this point the time before application of CHA penalty doubles but the penalty quadruples. So a level 4 Offspring takes 1 minutes for a 1 CHA penalty, a level 5 Offspring takes 2 minutes for a 4 CHA penalty, a level 6 Offspring takes 4 minutes for a 16 CHA penalty, and so on. The Charisma cooldown rate increases at a rate of 1 hour per level -- so after 2 hours of unbroken contentedness, a level 6 Offspring will lose all CHA penalties. At levels 13 through 16, Offspring cannot become content.
At level 4, Offspring gains Tasha's Hideous Laughter (at will). Loses it at level 10.
At level 13, Offspring may multiclass without XP penalty. The combined level is used to calculate current primary stats and spells.
Offspring's alignment must be any Evil from level 1 through level 4, inclusive. Offspring's aligment must be any Chaotic from level 13 through level 18, inclusive.
Taking classes in Offspring comes at a 10% XP penalty for every level beyond the 18th.
Awesome! Congratulations, and condolences on the death of your free time ;)
Congratulations, Jeff and Betsy!!! Someone else mentioned The Happiest Baby on the Block but I'm going to mention it again. It's a fantastic book. Helped so much with my two girls. Read it. It's good. It's funny. Totally worth the time and effort. And, heck, it might give you something new to quote in future blog entries.
I must say though that Cosby does not do a skit. That is a comedy routine and probably one of the best ever.
Congrats, Jeff Betsy.
I'm not joking when I say, I can see Jeff's face in Rockhard Awesome. :-)
Lovely how you're the kind of parent who's apparently pushing programming on to your child, not letting it choose its path in life. :-/
Congratulations, this is terrific news. I am looking forward to the messages from the new parent process.
Congratulations Jeff! Henry is already a spitting image of ya! I'll convince some broad to put up with and marry a nutcase such as myself one of these days. :-)
Congrats Jeff! Welcome to a whole new life as a parent!
Hearty Congratulations Jeff!!!
Don't blink, you will miss so much.
You're doomed, man! I have one named Henry as well; they're the worst!
Seriously, though, congrats and good luck.
May the force be with you.
Keep that C++ GUI Programming Guide handy... it may help Henry get to sleep.
Congratulations Jeff and welcome Henry!
Congratulations! Well spawned !
I'm wondering what his first words will be ? Asembler ?
Congratulations! Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting, where spawning a child thread not only provides endless opportunity for testing the theories of GIGO and overflow has a whole new meaning!
Now that your implementation is complete, it is time for the Maintenance phase (that never ends). Some of this Maintenance is viewed as janitorial work... but all of the best Dads need to do it.
I just wonder how you will setup your process monitor for Henry?
Congratulations, big daddy! Make sure that boy doesn't have to phreak phones to get his BBS fix!
Jeff, would you now agree that Release early and often is a good advise regarding having kids?
Please don't let this interfere with your blogs; I use them as a constant source of ammunition to assail my managers' stupidity.
I kid, of course.
What a beautiful little boy! Congratulations Betsy and Jeff, and welcome Henry.
Congrats to you and your family! Parenthood is an awesome experience!
Congrats Jeff! I hope mom and boy are well and continue to be so.
Congrats Jeff. Kids are the best things ever. I have three, and my only son turns 6 today (3/13). As many have said, enjoy the wonderful, exhilirating experience.
That being said... I wouldn't want to read that book at any age! You are sure to keep him unconscious reading that. So that makes you very wise, as She Who Must Be Obeyed will appreciate that. Here's a book that my mother read to me and I always loved, and I have read it to all of my children and they love it, too. Tiki Tiki Tembo.
When my son was born 8 months ago, I couldn't believe how true the statement of it will be different when it is your own kid was.
I had the same experience you had about how blue the sky seemed the first time I went out of the hospital afterward. Everything is different -- it fluctuates from being much brighter than it ever had been before, to being darker at times, too. The ups and downs of being a parent, I guess.
One thing I've noticed is that since becoming a parent, I'm MUCH less judgmental. You want to breastfeed your kid until he's 5? Whatever. Not my kid. Everyone has advice, and I'm sure it works for their kid. But I've found that the best course of action is the one I deem appropriate after spending countless hours upon hours with him, and he's a happy healthy little boy, so I think I'm doing it right.
I'm sure you guys will to. Congratulations, and Henry, the world says hello! back!
He's cute! Congratulations.
Congrats. He'll keep you very busy.
Congratulations, its all down hill from here, but it is the best ride at the park.
+ 1 Congrats to you and your wife.
Parenthood = Best.Thing.Ever
Haha, just wait, he'll probably end up being a huge sports jock with absolutely no interest in computers other then myspace.
Congratulations Jeff! Keep up the good work!
Congrats, Jeff! Looks like you're starting him out right! We've got our own coder in hibernation right now, due in August. It's an awesome experience!
Sleep well these two first months, because you won't again for about a year...
CONGRATS!! I've been reading your blog for a few months now and I really enjoy it.
Also, thanks for the heads up on the pain. My wife is due in July with our first child and I am already dreading getting my hand crushed during a contraction with an iron claw.
I love Tikki Tikki Tembo too! It seems like very few people seem to know it outside of my family, so I'm amused you know it too. I believe the version you referenced calls him Tikki Tikki Tembo No Sarembo Chari Bari Ruchi Pip Peri Pembo or something on that order. I've also heard Tikki Tooki Timbo no si nimbo bui hui bushi fui pom pom niki nomi acko fui-o. I guess there are myriad versions, and I have fun trying to remember them. :-)
Congrants and welcome to the club.
You'll see that programing is easier :)
Just be careful. You may not be able to rollback on your mistakes or throw it away all together.
Congrats. Something tells me this process will be taking up a lot of processor time.
(He's really cute too!)
Awesome! Congratulations! Glad everyone is healthy and happy. When's Henry going to get his first Commodore 64?
Congratulations! He looks just like his Dad! I know he'll be the best thing that's ever happened to you, just like mine was for me. God bless you and your family!
how your world will change! (not a bad thing)
My father thought the name 'henry' was terrible...
but I love it.
I think they make drugs for that pain thing now... just saying.
Oh and congrats! In the old days, we used to just be embarrassed by our parents' photos of us growing up. Your kid gets to be embarrassed by photos, movies, blogging, Twitter, Facebook, AdultFriendFinder... oh wait maybe not that last one.
Congratulations Jeff, and welcome to little Henry!
This is very exciting! Glad all went well, minus the screaming butterflies.
GUI diapers != Gooey diapers
Congratulations Jeff and Betsy!!!
I hope you are better than I was at your age.
-Someone, somewhere on earth
Congratulations, Betsy and Jeff!!
You are now officially adults. Enjoy these wonderful early years. The only advice I can give that hasn't been yet is this: Don't drop him.
As for Henry: Welcome, little citizen.
Hmm. Voting to close: Not Programming Related!
Just kidding -- many congratulations!
You better get him a Linux box too.
Pass a nice kidney stone and you can semi-experience the same pain your wife may have!
Best hello world I have seen.
I kept saying hello world when my Abigail arrived 4 months ago but my wife did not get it.
Must... resist... sheepishness..... GAH... Baaaah!
...there, I said it. I'm truly sorry, I couldn't come up with anything more interesting with which to wish you a happy year or so of not being able to focus your eyes for 5 minutes at a time. ^_^
You're a braver man than I. Good luck, and may the almighty power of cheese whiz guide you and protect you from diaper bombs.
Congrats, have you told Richard Stallman the good news?
Best wishes to the family! Welcome to fatherhood. Good name choice, we have a Henry too!
congrats! You will get tyred, wet, dirty, but the joy of a baby will make you forget everything about it :)
And more congrats to your wife (hey, she DID the job!)
Congratulations! Best of luck to all of you...
That little guy looks like a keeper! Best of luck to your growing family.
As a father of two little girls I can attest to the fact that I was not properly prepared for how simultaneously thrilling and disgusting childbirth really is. But all the gore was forgotten when the nurses put my twin girls in my arms. Ten years later, it's been the most educational experience I've ever had.
Like many of the others have said, enjoy all of it. Miss nothing. Be there for every game, play, recital, etc. no matter what the career sacrifice. You'll never regret it. I haven't.
Here's to hoping it's not a zombie process! It should be sleeping, then active, and certainly never idle!
I was actually thinking about your old post the other day, wondering why you hadn't followed up on it and hoping that nothing bad had happened. I find it a bit distressing that I go around thinking about your (then) unborn since I don't have any contact with you, but I guess that parenthood (I have two daughters) can do that to you. :-)
Congratulations and good luck to the three of you!
Doctor to new mother: Your baby is so cute!
New mother: Thanks, but don't you say that about every baby?
Doctor: No, just the ones who are really cute.
New mother: Then what do you say about the rest?
Doctor: 'He looks just like you!'
(I count four of each so far, so let me add a He's so cute!)
Congratulations, and well done!
Um, but who said he will become a programmer? ;)
And I thought spawning processes on Windows was slow!
Congratulations! Keep them coming.
Congratulations Jeff! God bless, I hope he will be a gigantic computer neard!
Congratulations to all three of you!
As a father of three, where the oldest is now leaving the nest, I'll give you this advice (as others already have):
Spend as much time as you can with your children. The first years never come back, so make sure that you have your priorities straight! Just when you start to know your children, they're flying away!
Just remember that you need to run a `renice 20 -p Henry Burton Atwood` or else you're going to get into some serious problems.
Of course, chances are you are not the owner of that process so I do hope you have sudo.
Congratulations on beginning an epic adventure..
And you thought programming was hard :o)
Hope you are all well.
Congratulations you two :)
15 years down the line with my daughter I can only say that every second is different, and worth it :)
And, ermmm, shouldn't he be learning C first ???
Many congratulations Jeff. I wish you and your family all the very best. Look forward to reading more about your new adventures!
PS Henry looks a little like he is calculating Pi in his sleep...Go Henry!
Congratulations Jeff on the newest edition to your family! :)
1 Fender Stratocaster: $1100
1 80's-era signature rock headband: $25
Watching your kid grow up to become a rock star: priceless.
Being able to beat him at Guitar Hero 14: even more priceless.
Congratulations Jeff on the new addition to the Atwood family.
Congratulations Jeff and Betsy!
And hello Henry!
BTW: Henry and Betsy are both really good names.